Parenting Teenagers - Where do I start? (2)

Connect with your Teens

Following on from my last post, I believe that the best place to start with our teenagers is to connect with them.  This means making time for them, time to take an interest in what is happening to them, including the details of their lives.  Time to remember those details and ask about them.  Instead of saying “How was your day?” why don’t you ask a detailed question like “What did your Science teacher say about your project?”  You will find out that as you ask, they will open up and it can lead to another topic.  For example, I asked my daughter what they were taught in the Youth church one Sunday and she said that they talked about friendships and that question gave us the opportunity to discuss further about good and bad friends and I shared some of my experiences with her. 

 

It’s dangerous not to know what is going on with them.  How would you know when they need encouragement or help if you don’t know the details of their lives?   Parents must find a way to connect with their young people.  If you don’t know how, take time to observe them and identify what they like.  For example, I noticed that my 14 year old daughter seems to open up and talk when we go shopping so I always make time to take her to the shopping centre near me.  You might say it’s easy because we are both females but I don’t usually enjoy shopping.  Most of the time, I just buy one item for her but we always chat and connect just by window shopping.  You are the expert on your child so find out how to connect with them.  If you don’t connect with your teen, someone else will probably do and they might not have their best interest at heart or they might take advantage of them.

We need to connect with our young people on three major levels:

1)  Physical Level

The physical only acknowledges what’s obvious to the observer.  This is when you complement them on how they look, dress or act.  You might want to say to your teen…

“Your hair looks great.”

“That’s a nice top”

“You played well”

You should not exaggerate or lie.  They will know that you don’t mean it.

 

2)  Emotional Level

This is when we take time to understand our teen’s feelings.  Feelings are important because they make us unique and interesting.  When I know how you feel I can understand you better.  Teenagers can mask their feelings but we must be able to read the signs, to look and listen to find out what’s going on their inside.  It is important to understand how they feel so that we can support and encourage them when they need it.  The best way to do this is by listening to them.   Listening often involves remaining silent and being genuinely caring and wanting to understand. What teenagers need is a chance to express their thoughts and feelings that are inside of them

3)  Spiritual Level

This is when parents share their faith with their teens.  You must be able to share your faith with your children.  As Christians, my husband and I regularly discuss our belief in God and experiences with our children. We also take time to pray and share God’s word together.  It helps us to connect with them on a spiritual level.

In summary, the adolescence period is a very delicate one because they go through major changes in their lives during this period.  So our teens need a lot of support and guidance from their parents/youth leaders coupled with praying for them. 

With best regards,

Dupe Makinde

www.Godsgracefoundation.org

Parenting Teenagers - Where do I start? (1)

 

Many years ago, when I was a Youth pastor, I use to wonder why parents complained about their teenagers’ behaviour.  I soon realised what they were talking about when my daughter started secondary school.  The adolescence period is a very delicate one; this time is when they lay the foundation for their adult lives.  If we give teenagers independence without helping them to face the responsibilities that go with it, they may grow up without the will power and with little self-discipline.  From my experience as a youth leader and a parent, I believe parents need to find a middle way that encourages responsibility and that is effective.  So let’s begin by understanding our adolescent young people and what is happening to them.  Adolescents go through four major changes at once:

1)  In their bodies

Arms and legs grow so fast that they can feel clumsy and are easily embarrassed.  80% of 100 younger teenagers worry a great deal about their appearance – about pimples, spots, the size and shape of their nose, ears.  Awful inferiority feelings can develop at this stage.

 

2)  In their feelings

Sudden swings in mood.

3)  In their social lives

Conflicting demands of friends, adverts and TV to go against what parents expects of them.  What parents see as misbehaviour is often just behaviour that makes them cool in their friends’ eyes.  The ‘second family’ tells them they must be interested in label clothes, drinking, drugs etc.

4)  In their thinking

As their ability to think develops, they also become painfully aware of the gap between how the world is and how it should be.  So they can become critical of adults and their standards. 

Beneath the misbehaviour, sometimes there lies insecurity of leaving childhood, fears of adult responsibilities, sexual tensions and worries about group pressures.  There are questions like:  What am I really like? How do I come across to others? What do boys/girls think of me?  Sadly, in the absence of encouragement and support many teenagers answer many of these questions negatively.  Our teens need a lot of support and guidance from their parents/youth leaders coupled with praying for them.

 

Blessings,

 

Dupe

www.Godsgracefoundation.org

 

A reminder for Christian Parents

We need to make sure that our children develop a good relationship with God so that they can achieve their potential. We want them to glorify God as we help them to unlock their treasures. With God, they will go far and bring glory to His name. For example, Daniel and his friends excelled in a foreign land because of their commitment to God and His principles. They honoured God; He promoted them and brought them before kings. It is important to teach our children the word of God; we can’t just depend on the youth leaders or children’s church teachers. It is going to take the anointing of God for our children to shine and bring glory to God.

Kind regards.

Disciplining Children (2)

One good way for our children to learn self-discipline is when we give them limited choice and let them live with the consequences of what they choose. There will be times when you cannot let them choose, for example, when you consider something is dangerous for them. When you have to say no, it is important to state the reason. It is also important not to be half-hearted or apologetic when you give children a limited choice. Follow through with the consequences. Most of us do not follow through with the consequences; this is why they don’t take us seriously.  Your firmness in following through on the consequences is much more effective than talking.  Firmness is not cold, it is kind and strong, gentle and firm, flowing out of your desire for what is best for the child.

For informational purposes*

It is against the law in the UK for a parent to use physical punishment on their child that causes marks and it is illegal to use an implement to hit a child.  It is also against the law for someone who is not the child's parent (such as a child minder or foster carer) to use any form of physical punishment.  

*source: Greenwich Safeguarding Children Board

Best regards,

Dupe

Disciplining Children (1)

Successful parenting rests on the twin foundations of gentle-love and firm-love.  Firm-love is being able to say ‘no and set clear limits while remaining loving.  I believe every home should have a form of discipline. The bible says that we should train up our children in the way that they should go and when they are old they won’t depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).  We cannot afford to raise children who think they can do anything they like and get away with it. They will soon learn as they grow up that there are consequences for every action we take in life.

Please let’s find a way to discipline our children within the laws of our resident countries. Quite a few African children are being taken into care in the UK and their parents are convicted of child abuse. It brings unnecessary stress and emotional trauma to both parents and the children. The parents can end up with a criminal record and the child or children will be separated from their families for a while. By the time the family is reunited, the parents are so scared of disciplining their children because of the fear of being arrested again.  I pray that God will give us wisdom to discipline our children effectively.

Best regards

When there is Divorce

I do not support divorce but we cannot ignore the fact that it’s now common in our society and sadly in the church.  I believe prevention is better than cure and we should strive to create a peaceful home for our children to thrive.  As Christians, we should strive to walk in love and let the Holy Spirit control us.  When there is divorce, parents are often caught up with their own distress during the breakup period that the children’s needs tend to be neglected. There is a great need for ongoing talking and listening, reassuring young people that they are not fault and that you still love them.

You cannot take away the pain of divorce but you can lessen the ill effects by:

·  Maintaining contact between your former partner and your children.

·  Refusing to use your children in any warring with ex-partner.  It is good for them when ex-partners can continue to communicate and show respect.

Let us continue to pray for marriages and families.

Best regards,

Dupe

Every child has been gifted by God

“A man's gift makes room for him and brings him before great men” Proverbs18:16

One of the things that were impressed upon my heart at the beginning of this year is the need for parents to help their children to discover their God-given gifts and talents. We need to train our children to use their gifts for the glory of God and to fulfil God’s purposes for their lives. 

The main task that we have as parents is to love and nurture our children into responsible adults and to help them realise their potentials.  Gifts represent their abilities, talents, capacity and skills.  It is what they have in their hands to trade for money, fulfil their purposes and bring glory to God.

When you work with your child to develop his/her talent, you are at the same time building his/her character as he/she acquires the necessary qualities for success whilst working on his/her talent.  You will teach them how to persevere – the ability to focus and not give up on their passions or lose interest in what they do.  Successful people love what they are doing and they do not give up until they reach their goals. We have to teach them the “I can” and “I will” attitude.

We need to spend time with our children to connect with them to notice their interests, likes and dislikes.  For the older ones, we need to teach them how to identify their gifts or talents.  For example, I have told my 13 year old daughter that she should take note when people say she is very good at specific things. She also needs to take note of the things she particularly likes to do.

It is good practice to expose your children to a wide range of interests. Allow them to take part in different activities. However as they grow older, we should avoid putting them into too many activities and let me them concentrate on areas where they have shown true excellence or advanced ability.

When you help your child to identify and develop their gifts, they will appreciate their own uniqueness and develop a healthy self-esteem.  Assist your children to identify and develop their talents. Provide them with the resources they need to pursue their interests. Accept their uniqueness. Encourage their enthusiasm. Help them to be the best they can by discovering their true potential.

Above all, we should also pray for our children regularly and ask God to reveal their gifts and purposes to you.  From experience, I know that God reveals things to us when we pray for our children because He is faithful.  He might not tell you everything about their lives but He will reveal some to you.

We need to pray that they will not be lazy because perfection comes with practice.  We need to pray against distractions or unhealthy relationships because wrong associations can hinder them from achieving their purpose.  As they grow older, they also need to know God for themselves because He is their source and He created them in His own image.  They can only find their true identity in Him.

I pray that God will fill your children with true wisdom, knowledge and understanding and they will be extraordinary children in Jesus name.

Shalom,

Dupe Makinde
www.Godsgracefoundation.org

Developing Responsibility

Twelve year old Mary is not expected to do any chores at home.  Her mum cooks, clears up after meals, washes her clothes, irons them, makes Mary’s bed and tides her room. “ I don’t mind”, her mother says, “ I love her and I don’t want to spoil her childhood.  “I don’t want her to go through what I went through when I was a little girl.  Mary’s mother would be shocked if someone pointed out to her that she is helping Mary to become lazy and irresponsible.

One of the things we need to do as parents is to help our children to be responsible.  In our society today, we see examples of adults who will not take responsibility for their actions.  Our society also seems to be raising children who are not responsible.  They are always blaming someone else for their actions instead of accepting responsibility.  We shouldn’t do for our children what they can do for themselves.

In spite of our good intentions, we may be harming our children if act like servants; doing far too much for them.  We also run the risk of making them over-dependent on us if we take on our children’s responsibilities.  And if they are not allowed to learn from experience or from the consequences of their action, they may grow up lacking in confidence because so many choices would have been made for them.  

Responsible parents are firm but not controlling.  You need to decide what your children can do and give them appropriate responsibility.  You can ask them to do different things and see how they get on with it. 

The need for training and guidance

When we do allow children more choice and freedom, that has to be given gradually, in stages and with time set aside for training, at times challenging their behaviour and offering guidance.   In training children, it helps to start with easy tasks and to increase them gradually.

1)   Tell them what to do

2)   Show them

3)   Let them try it with supervision

4)   Back off gradually but continue to notice and encourage their contributions gradually – in a low key not going overboard with praise.

The best time to train a young person is when you have time set aside, you feel unhurried and you are relaxed about how the task will turn out.  Remember that building a bond with your son or daughter is much more important than how well they perform the task. 

You are there as a kind of friendly presence, encouraging, asking questions, showing, letting them try things for themselves, pleased to see them making an effort, improving and growing.  You are there as they learn to dress, brush their teeth, cross the road, cook a meal, and tackle new home work.  This can be time consuming to begin with, but in the long term you have a great deal to gain.  All this saves a lot of wear and tear on parents and it is a more effective and responsible approach.

Shalom,

Dupe Makinde

http://www.godsgracefoundation.org/