Twelve year old Mary is not expected to do any chores at home. Her mum cooks, clears up after meals, washes her clothes, irons them, makes Mary’s bed and tides her room. “ I don’t mind”, her mother says, “ I love her and I don’t want to spoil her childhood. “I don’t want her to go through what I went through when I was a little girl. Mary’s mother would be shocked if someone pointed out to her that she is helping Mary to become lazy and irresponsible.
One of the things we need to do as parents is to help our children to be responsible. In our society today, we see examples of adults who will not take responsibility for their actions. Our society also seems to be raising children who are not responsible. They are always blaming someone else for their actions instead of accepting responsibility. We shouldn’t do for our children what they can do for themselves.
In spite of our good intentions, we may be harming our children if act like servants; doing far too much for them. We also run the risk of making them over-dependent on us if we take on our children’s responsibilities. And if they are not allowed to learn from experience or from the consequences of their action, they may grow up lacking in confidence because so many choices would have been made for them.
Responsible parents are firm but not controlling. You need to decide what your children can do and give them appropriate responsibility. You can ask them to do different things and see how they get on with it.
The need for training and guidance
When we do allow children more choice and freedom, that has to be given gradually, in stages and with time set aside for training, at times challenging their behaviour and offering guidance. In training children, it helps to start with easy tasks and to increase them gradually.
1) Tell them what to do
2) Show them
3) Let them try it with supervision
4) Back off gradually but continue to notice and encourage their contributions gradually – in a low key not going overboard with praise.
The best time to train a young person is when you have time set aside, you feel unhurried and you are relaxed about how the task will turn out. Remember that building a bond with your son or daughter is much more important than how well they perform the task.
You are there as a kind of friendly presence, encouraging, asking questions, showing, letting them try things for themselves, pleased to see them making an effort, improving and growing. You are there as they learn to dress, brush their teeth, cross the road, cook a meal, and tackle new home work. This can be time consuming to begin with, but in the long term you have a great deal to gain. All this saves a lot of wear and tear on parents and it is a more effective and responsible approach.
Shalom,
Dupe Makinde
